The Tales of the Ninja
by Mr. Hyde Returns
Summary: A collection of drabbles about the ninjas that make up the world of Naruto.  Will contain het, yaoi, yuri and many different pairings, situations and characters.  Rating can go up.  2nd chapter: Bleach and Naruto showdown: 1st round Gin vs. Orochimaru
1. Chapter 1

A person's hair can tell a lot about a person.

Sai

Sai had always wanted long hair, around his brother's length.

But, when he joined Root, a requirement was short hair. He tried to argue this requirement since any other shinobi's hair could be as crazy as they wanted, even in the ANBU, but one look from Danzo and Sai immediately shut up.

Then, when he was ordered to join Team Seven, he asked Danzo whether he could grow his hair out under the guise of 'blending in' with the others. He knew that Danzo hadn't bought that lie for a moment but he still allowed it.

When he met Team Seven, he decided that his hair would be even longer than Sakura's because he thought her length was ugly. He took great pains not to say it to her face after watching the beating Naruto got for not noticing Sakura had worn a new dress.

When he saw a picture of Sasuke, he thought he wanted that kind of hair. It was really cool looking.

_However, when he saw Sakura weeping over a picture of Sasuke with Naruto grimly hugging her, he decided he rather liked his hair short.  
_

Sakura

Sakura could classify her life into the periods she loved or hated her hair.

She had hated her hair through the younger years because of its atrocious color. Pink, really? It did nothing but call attention to her and when attention was called to her, people began to notice other things, like her wide forehead or her tremulous eyes or her mousy frame. Then they'd laugh and pick on her.

Until a blonde girl showed up one day to tell her that her hair was beautiful.

Sakura believed it so until her fight with Kin in the Forest of Death. As Kin mocked her hair in front of everyone, she felt humiliation rush into her cheeks as every word she said rang true. Yes, she spent hundred of yen on hair products and many hours styling it and combing it and working it instead of training. Yes, she was much, much weaker than Sasuke or even Naruto. Yes, she knew their paths would be long and blazing while hers, would be in the shadows behind them.

At that time, she vowed that that would never happen. She would stand by them wherever they went.

After she had cut her hair short and focused on training, there were no more compliments about her hair because it because rougher and coarser. It didn't flow anymore.

She couldn't have cared less.

_Until a blonde girl came to her again and told her how beautiful her hair was._

Itachi

Itachi grew his hair long after he realized that the infant Sasuke loved to play with his bangs.

And, when Sasuke grew out of it, he still kept it long. His father would sometimes roll his eyes at the 'girliness' of it but it didn't matter. Fugaku never knew that during the Nine Tail's attack on Konaha, the only thing he had to comfort the crying Sasuke with was his hair. He never knew how fretfully Sasuke tugged his hair as Fugaku and his policemen plotted behind Konaha's back. He didn't know how Sasuke had sleepily fiddled with his hair as he carried him on his back after an exhausting training session. A physical show of his love to his brother, one of countless.

He never let it get too long though. He tried to keep it just that right length.

Kisame snickered about his 'girliness' too. But it was something he couldn't explain to the blue man or to anyone except Sasuke and he knew Sasuke wouldn't listen.

_But most of all, it showed to himself that he hadn't changed._

Kakashi

Truthfully, Kakashi hadn't realized how much his hair was like his father's.

He had sought to wipe all traces of that man from his life, cursing him for making his son rebuild what his father had destroyed in one day. And when he came home to find the corpse knelt over the tatami in their garden, honestly, it had come as a shock.

A disappointment, actually, since he thought his father stronger than that. He vowed never to be like his father.

He did pretty well in that regards, if he did say so himself.

His hair though, he couldn't do anything about. It just grew that way. He had seen pictures of his grandfather when he was young and the hair was the same. He could shave it all off but something about that didn't seem right to him. Besides, like hell he'd have a bald head and go around looking like Ibiki.

When he had died and seen his father again, he had first wondered at his father's hair,. How incredibly similar they were. Then he started paying attention to what his father said.

_And finally, he realized that he was his father's son, through and through._

Naruto

Naruto hadn't really given a thought about his hair.

It just grew and when it became too long, he cut it. Simple and easy unlike Sasuke's duck-butt or Sakura's shampoos and conditioner and junk.

He never really wondered where he had gotten his hair or his eyes. He was told that he was an orphan and that was what he believed.

When he first saw a picture of Minato, he wondered why the man had hair so similar to him.

_When he finally learned the truth, he saw hair wasn't the only thing he inherited_.

Deidara

If one were to be honest, Deidara was very forgetful.

Tragically forgetful to the point that he'd forgotten Tobi and Sasori were his partners sometimes. So when Kisame or Hidan or Kakuzu tease him about that girly lock of hair in front of his eye and how stupid it looks, he knows that it's merely his reminder system. Little colored ribbons are tied onto it to remind his of certain obligations. Black if he had to meet up with someone in the Akatsuki, red if he had to meet up with someone not in the Akatsuki, blue if he had to take over someone's job, green if he had to cart some of his sculptures over to some art expo and so on.

He couldn't just write them on his hands since he had mouths that were very sensitive on his hands. He did know for a fact that Sasori constantly had ink over his hands. Maintaining his vast amount of puppets took a lot of memory and concentration.

One thing Deidara always remembered though, was to take them out before battle.

_How intimidating could he be with ribbons woven all through his hair after all?_

Sasuke

Sasuke's hair was like Itachi's but different from Itachi's.

The bangs he had kept but he refused to have a ponytail. The point was to show that he was like Itachi but different from him. At least, it was to show his father who never really cared. He was pretty sure Itachi understood.

Orochimaru had liked it. That had almost prompted him to cut it all off if it weren't for the fact he needed power.

Still, it was hard staying still as Orochimaru ran thin, bony fingers over it, his breath wafting into Sasuke's face.

When Itachi died and Madara told him the truth, he thought briefly about his brother's hair. It hadn't changed at all and he wondered why.

He thought about taking on Itachi's hair style, a final memorial to the dead. Then, he decided against it. What was Itachi's was Itachi's. What is his is his.

Still, it was hard to look Naruto in the eyes as the blonde asked 'Why?' His tanned fingers threaded through the blood-soaked hair matted around Sasuke's face.

_His last thought was, because I like it that way, dobe._


	2. Chapter 2

Finally, the question all manga fans must ask themselves at one point or another in their life (if they want to call themselves manga fans)…

BLEACH or Naruto? Dun dun dun

There will be crack. There will not be Javier Bardem though.

* * *

"Welcome to the first ever Showdown of the Worlds, between Ninjas and ahem…honorable…ahem…Shinigami! Now…Ladies, Gentlemen…Boys and Girls…Serial Rapists and-" Unfortunately, Kisuke Urahara was unable to complete his introduction due to the fact Tsunade had his face smothered in her massive breasts, his arms flailing for nonexistent purchase.

In that one moment, he truly felt for Toshirou.

And then her bellowing sounded forth, reverberating across his face.

"Since _**our**_ world is hosting this showdown, _**we**_ will provide announcers." There was a pointed jab to the back of Urahara's back to make him register her words. With Tsunade's strength though, it wasn't a poke as more like a bolt of paralyzing lightening. Urahara's body slumped.

"Anou…don't you think y-you…should let him out a bit…Ms.…uh…Hokage?" Ururu's valiant effort fell on deaf ears and Jinta punched her for being so soft-spoken.

* * *

Sousuke Aizen surveyed the scene. Tsunade and by extension, Urahara's unconscious body, stood on a large stone pedestal that was place in the center of a great divide. On one side stretched bleachers full of stony-faced shinobi. And some not quite as stony faced (for instance…Naruto) but that was beyond the point. On the other side were the Shinigamis. And the Vizards but just because Ichigo dragged them there. Aizen had so missed them. They were fun test subjects, quite compliant and stupid.

But he digressed.

Gin was practically bouncing with excitement beside him and he could feel the burning glare of Toshirou on his back. The poor boy really loved to nurse his grudges didn't he?

Tousen was muttering something under his breath though if Aizen were to take a wild guess, he would say the topic began with Justice and ended with the Implementation of Said Justice.

The shinobi looked like good test subjects. Some of them had good looks in spades which he realized he needed. The current Arrancars, save for one or two, were quite lacking in _that_ area, at least.

Though he honestly couldn't tell what Halibel looked like. Her breasts though, he could describe in great detail.

* * *

"And now, we have the first match-up! Gah! I'm sooo excited, Tsunade-sama!" Sakura's excited voice overloaded the speakers and they began to screech. The shinobi's hissed in pain. Hidan plucked his ears off. The shinigamis howled. Mayuri dissolved into a puddle to escape it. The resulting 'Goo of What Was Formerly Twelfth Squad Captain Mayuri' splattered onto the shinigami sitting below Mayuri and it took two hours to quell the riots that started in that area of the BLEACH bleachers. Hanatarou was immediately commissioned to attend to the injuries because he was there. And because he was gullible enough.

"Well, since Kenpachi Zaraki…and the entire Eleventh Division…are currently being treated for injuries sustained in the riot, we will have to postpone the first match-up. I'm very sorry Deidara."

"Fuck you, bitch!" The shinobis roared to life to defend their honorable Hokage. But, the Akatsuki were known for taking care of their own so Deidara spent the next three days locked in a room with Tobi who had somehow gotten a hold of Barney videos. All this was thanks to Itachi.

He was never the same man again.

* * *

"So, the second match-up is Ichimaru Gin vs. Orochimaru." Predictably, both sides were hissing and booing. However, it wasn't at each other as it was at their own.

Gin rubbed at his hair, his smile shrinking by a few centimeters.

"Don't worry. You'll do fine, Gin, don't worry about the others," Aizen spoke into his ear.

"You go girlfriend! And don't come back!" Yoruichi's voice was distressingly loud, drowning Aizen's quiet assurances. Tousen's head still had not lifted from his contemplations.

Gin frowned slightly and shunpoed down to the arena.

Orochimaru didn't even have one person to encourage him like Gin had. Kabuto, he assumed, had been waylaid by Sasori.

But it didn't bother him. He knew that the others were just jealous of his beauty. He'd show them…one day he'd show them.

Grimmjow's eyes widened. "Holy fuck! That Oro-shithead looks even creepier that Ichimaru!" Ulquirra regarded him with solemn eyes before bestowing the blue-haired Espade with a stoic nod.

"So…Taichou…wouldn't it be hilarious if they both wiped each other out. I mean, there goes half our problem, ya know? And they're both creepy as fuck, yanno? Kinda doing all of us a favor, right?"

Byakuya remained silent, his impassive gaze remaining on the two men who were being read the rules by Tsunade.

"It would be funny Renji." Rukia decided to answer for her brother since he had a nasty habit of leaving people…red-haired men…hanging in conversation.

Renji slumped n disappointment as he realized his captain didn't feel that he (or his query) was an important enough matter to waste air on.

* * *

Karin turned to Suigetsu. "You know…that silver hair guy…Gin. He's not that bad looking. I mean…he's creepy but in a hot way, right? Like, stick thin but still really sexy and muscular-like, right?" Suigetsu regarded her with a disturbed look and scooted further away, not caring that the motion would bring him closer to Sasuke. Sasuke merely 'hn-ed' and turned to lock eyes with his brother again. Well he thought he was locking eyes. Itachi was merely squinting in pain, attempting to overcome the onslaught brought on by using the Mangekyo again. And for such a useless purpose.

Wait...was that his foolish little brother over there?

* * *

Tsunade regarded both of the men sternly. Honestly, they both made her skin crawl but all had signed a temporary peace treaty that they wouldn't attack during this showdown.

"Alright…so given these rules and regulations, would you like your showdown to be a verbal debate over superiority or a fight?"

Ichimaru thought. Orochimaru thought.

"Fight," they both answered in tandem. Orochimaru glared at Gin. Gin merely smiled back, blithely.

_He may be creepy as hell but the Hokages have mercy if he thinks he can go head to head against Orochimaru._

Tsunade nodded, grabbed the microphone again and bellowed into it, "It will be a fight until either death, surrender or loss of conscious!"

Then, she made for the special Hokage viewing platform. The cheers became all the louder, especially from the more bloodthirsty spectators. Isane took the time to note that not only had her captain hooted but she had also brought an airhorn for maximum noise making.

"Draw your weapons and…BEGIN!"

Orochimaru immediately lunged for Gin. His fingers formed the seals rapidly and several clones dove in a circle around the silver haired shinigami. His own head extended out, his neck lengthening and attempting to wrap around Gin.

Gin merely stood there looking a tad confused as one hand still rested on his blade and the other was being swallowed by one of Orochimaru's earth clones.

After the dust settled from the attack, all the spectators gaped at the scene. The earth clone was up to Gin's elbow, Orochimaru's neck wrapped around Gin's body, restraining him though two other Earth clones also pinned his feet down.

Several small snakes hissed at his feet for extra measure and Orochimaru's tongue flicked out to lick at a small cut on Gin's cheek. Orochimaru's body was a safe ten meters away.

Naruto gaped. "What? That's it? That's pathetic!" Sakura regarded Gin calmly. "Well, he is pretty skinny. He looks like a strong breeze could knock him over…"

"But he didn't even put up a fight! Man, Akamaru, this is bad!" The dog barked loudly to show his agreement. Sakura sighed. Of all the days to sit next to Naruto and Kiba…

Grimmjow wondered whether he could train with that 'Oro' guy.

"Yare, yare…_Ikorose, Shinsou_." A white flash of light and the clones were immediately sawed in half. Orochimaru flew back, narrowly avoiding being skewered on a sword that just seconds ago, looked like a wakizashi. Gin rolled his neck around and used his wrist to wipe at the saliva Orochimaru had left behind.

"You know…that ain't real nice, lickin an opponent and then tryna eat em. I mean…if you really wanted to fuck me ya coulda just asked."

Orochimaru's eyes grew wide. "That's disgusting. You're disgusting, being so weak." Orochimaru ignored the fact that he had been cleared to the other side of the arena with a one-armed swing of the shinigami's blade.

"At least I don' look like no pedophile."

"Ha! That's because you look like a rapist."

"At least I'm a good lookin' rapist."

"Good looking? You look like a cross between a fox an a twig and your hair color is ugly."

"Yer mother was a hamster an' yer father smelt of elderberries." Gin intoned with the immovable smile still tacked on his face.

"Ahhh…trash talk. I love it. You should try it too, Itachi-san." Itachi regarded Kisame with a look that said 'the day the great Uchiha Itachi resorts to trash-talk to demoralize is the day Naruto will become emo'. Kisame understood this and instantly clamped his mouth shut. No need to accompany Deidara in his suffering. The blonde was still catatonic.

Matsumoto's eyes brightened. "Taichou! Taichou! He used that insult I taught him! It was from that human movie…uh…uh…Snake Mountain. No…Mountain Snake. No…Holy Snake! No...Snake Mountain's Search for the Holy...Holy Chalice...no-"

"Matsumoto…"

* * *

Orochimaru gasped at that insult. An affront to his parents! That would _**never**_ do. He would fight for his parent's misaligned pride! He would fight to maintain his pure memories of them and honor! He would fight for his own pride! He was not ugly and he was NOT a pedophilic rapist! He felt the strong wash of chakra electrify his body and ignite him from the inside.

Presumably, at this point, he had to fight the strong urge to scream 'SPARTAAA!' at the top of his lungs.

He pierced his hand with his kunai and summoned forth Manda and before the great snake could ask his purpose being here, Orochimaru had charged forth with a piercing screech, snakes blossoming from every orifice and section of his body. His hands clutched onto kunai and his neck began to lengthen again.

Gin shifted slightly and held out Shinso. With a whispered command, the blade immediately shot out. Manda had no chance.

The peanut gallery could barely see a flash and then the spurt of blood as Gin pirouetted around and liberally began to slice and dice the snake. The snake offered no comment to this treatment.

Chouji, watching this with great interest, turned to Shikamaru and whispered, "Do you think I can eat the snake…when the match is done of course."

Shikamaru snorted.

Orochimaru remained undaunted by the fact that his number one ally had just been hacked to pieces beside him and using body flicker, appeared right behind Gin. The shinigami proceeded to whirl around and grab the back of the Sannin's head, pulling on his hair mercilessly.

"Ah, the hair pulling," Shunsui remarked sagely to Ukitake. Ukitake nodded, his mind unwilling flashing back to the fight he had with Shunsui that time at the Academy…

Soifon sneered and remarked to Yoruichi, "Yoruichi-sama, you see that immaturity? That is the level of captain that has been pervading our noble institute since your beautiful grace left with…that…that…" Words failed her as she glared, hatefully, at the blond man who was still passed out on his chair, a small line of drool dripping down his chin.

"Oh no! Yer hair's all greasy and gross. I'll have ta wash my hands when I finish up wit' ya!" With that, Gin dealt a thunderous punch to Orochimaru who's head snapped back with a audible, wince-worthy crack. The man's body collapsed to the ground motionless. All was silence for a moment as everyone stared amazed at the shinigami. Said shinigami seemed to be rocking back and forth slightly in response to the multiple bite puncture wounds littering his arms, neck and legs. He hadn't managed to dodge all of the snakes and was now feeling woozy. A medic team rushed to his side, needles filled with anti-serum that Tsunade had wisely procured in advance, knowing that this would happen in the match with Orochimaru.

* * *

Pain shook his head. If that was the best that ugly creep could do, it was better for everyone that he not be with the Akatsuki. No doubt, Itachi could beat him with his eyes closed- oh wait. He had already done that.

He was getting old and forgetful.

Matsumoto breathed a small sigh of relief. Toshiro eye twitched. Both of them.

Grimmjow watched helpless as his dreams of dominating over the creepy fox with the help of the 'Oro creep' fell, completely shattered, to the ground. The accompanying tune to his dream's demise was that of 'My Little Pony'. Wait a minute…

He glared at Yammy. Yammy belched.

The sickening song stopped.

* * *

Gin, to their surprise though, ripped off his outer robe exposing nothing but pale skin and jutting bones. He waved off the shocked medics and shunpoed to the platform Tsunade was on, snatching the microphone from her.

"Winner is Ichimaru Gin. Which is me. And as a winning prize, I'd like Aizen...taichou... to…_**suck**_…the poison out of my body." He took this time to flex his near non-existent muscles. Aizen nodded in appreciation while the rest of the populace attempted to shield their eyes. Tsunade twitched and snatched the microphone back but the damage had been done. And there was no jutsu to erase that memory. She'd have to do with sake. Lots of it.

"Soooo…Karin. Still think he's hot and sexy?"

"Shut the fuck up."

Aizen descended down the stairs gracefully and then, vanished and reappeared behind Gin. Gin beamed and taking Aizen's hand, he lead him off the platform and somewhere into the back. Maito Guy provided the sunset and river (his tears) to accompany the scene while Lee provided melodic songs of love and joy and…who are we kidding.

Both men bawled like Korean soap opera princesses and jabbered about youth and the power of love and youth.

Neji considered seppuku.

"And the…uh…next…match…uh…will be tomorrow…and yeah… Uchiha Itachi and Kuchiki Byakuya…and uh…see you …later…" Sakura stammered the words out before throwing the microphone to Tsunade and running away.

* * *

* * *

A/N: So stay tuned in to the next installment. Where there will be more crack. Crack of Tony Montana proportions.


End file.
